'For the sake of this analysis, I have thrown myself into the role of Gyllenhaalic and donned that mantle of Jakedom. It was not as difficult as I had expected. The opinions of 76 people was sought - a group of people drawn from across the Gyllenspectrum - and, as my cousin had warned me, Jack Twist (Age - 19-39; role - cowboy; Trait - a hopeful romantic and good with animals; Quirk - facial hair) was the clear leader on the Hotness Scale. A massive 75% of voters selected Jack Twist as their clear favourite - it is possible that this number may even have been higher if it were not for people feeling sorry for some of the other roles.
Hotness here doesn't just mean blue eyes hidden and active under a black hat, or long legs squeezed into the tightest jeans and boots, it also means love, romance, tragedy and hope. Even with a moustache, even in a purple shirt tucked into the jeans and even with sideburns that graze his knees, Jack Twist is the epitome of hotness to a great number of Gyllenhaalics. It's not hard to see why.
There is another side to Gyllenism and his name is Douglas Freeman (Age - late 30s; role - CIA pen pusher; Trait - a good listener; Quirk - a very good phone). Douglas drew 27% of votes and was second, demonstrating graphically how clear above the others is Jack Twist. While it is true that Douglas strove during Rendition to put something right, to do what was right, it is scientifically feasible that Douglas is number 2 on the hotness scale because he doesn't wear much in bed, wears a suit that hints at the body of an athlete below, and because he has deepness in his expression. If Rendition had been set in Greenland, it is arguable that Douglas would not have been number 2, but fortunately it was about Middle Eastern torture and terrorism and not about the threat currently facing polar bears, belugas and migrating geese.
Not surprisingly, Anthony Swofford (Age - about 20; Role - hairless sniper; Trait - lost; Quirk - musical) was number 3. Again, hot climates may be a factor, supported in this case by Christmas accessories and a large weapon. Yet, Swoff, as he is known to some, also has an enquiring brain, demonstrated by his reading matter and his knowledge of Stevie Wonder hits. He's also sporty and can polish his buttons. Hot, clever, sporty, tidy, has a big weapon - no wonder Swoff was number three in the list.
Finally, for this part of the study, we will take a look at the two roles that share fourth place with 21% of the votes each. Firstly, we have an enigma, Hal (Age - 26; Role - mathematician; Trait - geek and nosey; Quirk - good at running, not so good with women). Although a fellow scientist, Hal was unable to make chemistry with Gwynnie but this mattered less to viewers who enjoy that other benefit of modern science - the fast forward button. Hal was in a band and that is scientifically proven to increase hotness. Unfortunately, he was a drummer.
Hal's partner on the Hotness Scale is a very different kettle of fish - Dastan (Age: 20s; Role - rogue prince; Trait - likes climbing walls and slowing down time; Quirk - enjoys being wet). An early medieval persian prince, Dastan again enjoys the benefits of living in a hot climate while being able to cool off with fountains around every parapet. We have yet to see Dastan being put through his hot paces, but initial reports suggest chest exposure, leaping, fighting, banter, camels and an accent. All of which will raise the Hotness Scale.
Other Jake roles were not far behind, notably Time Traveller Donnie, Crossword Puzzle Fanatic Robert Graysmith, Wet Sam and Bad Boy Turned Good Tommy. Room for further analysis, I think. Thanks to everyone who participated in the study and made it possible. Clearly, the ramifications will be felt for some time and any film director is welcome to contact me who wants to know how best to draw the Hotness from Jake Gyllenhaal and give his Gyllenhaalics what they want and deserve. Back to WDW.'
Thanks to The Doctor and thanks to IHJ for heating up the scale further with some new old black and white studies in movie stardom.
