On with the post... It turns out that Jake Gyllenhaal's part-time job helping out at a Beverly Hills Medical Center when things are particularly busy is not the only call on Jake's valuable time. Over the last three years, Jake has been involved in a project to develop Hot Spandex for the Hot Man - possibly in tandem with his forthcoming series of Exercise with Jake DVDs.
Since the infamous summer of 2006, when Jake spent more days on that ridiculously narrow saddle than buying coffee (all in order to train Lance Armstrong to face just one more Alp), Jake has perfected the art of Decorous yet Functional Spandex and, judging by the spandex-clad commuters I'm faced with five days a week, this is not to be sniffed at. Here is Jake's History of Spandex and How to Wear It: A Beginner's Guide.
Colour
Colour is vital. Obviously. Does one want to be subtle, does one want to shock? Does one want to blend in with the traffic? Does one want to avoid being hit by drivers overcome and woefully distracted by your Hot Spandex? There are several options open to you: White, Black, Yellow, Orange and Revolting.
Layers
Spandex is a layering tool. Warm up and then strip off. However, there is one rule so revered that it may as well be carved into an Alpine rockface: never, EVER wear the long sleeved/trousered layers on top of the short sleeved/trousered layers. While this may seem sensible on the surface, if you break this fundamental rule, it will mean you won't get to strip off both layers behind a tree/bush or in a car. Ideally, one will also alert paparazzi to said tree/bush/car.
However, you may find that Jake and Austen prefer these nifty armwarmers* (*dubious thanks to the friend who poured cold water over this chapter of Jake's hot guide... she knows who she is).
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Footware
There are only three rules here: 1) remember to bring along sandals so you can slip those over your white socks during bicycle maintenance moments; 2) Never ever wear orange socks; 3) Never ever wear orange socks.
Half and Half
How spandexed should a beginner go? In the early days you might not be prepared to take the full leap and immerse yourself in your newly discovered spandexed self. In this case, you could follow the half and half path - which half and half is entirely up to you.
Safety
If you want to ride bikes with wheels this narrow and saddles this high and handlebars this low, not to mention having your feet welded into pedals, you have to wear a helmet. This could well leave alien marks on your forehead, it could squish your ears, but better safe than sorry.
Branding
When you're this hot, sponsorship and branding is a real possibility. There may be days when you'll find more writing across your chest (or somewhere else) than in your morning newspaper.
Breathability
Cycling makes you hot - it makes hot people even hotter. Ventiliation is therefore vital and compulsory.
Coordination
If you can coordinate your look with similarly hot riders then this is all for the good. Cyclists are also known to travel in packs, cycling at least three abreast, especially down narrow urban roads at rush hour, and it's good to follow a look.
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The back side
It is a truth universally acknowledged that the back view may not quite measure up to the front view, but if you follow Jake's guide you'll be good from whatever angle. What to put in the little back pocket may be awkward... especially while trying to throw your bike through a hedge.
Versatility
Spandex will allow you optimum movement for bicycle maintenance and even bicycle construction.
And finally
You wear the spandex, it doesn't wear you. If the spandex becomes too hot for you, one option always remains - take it off...
Includes pictures from IHJ and Just Jared, bicycles from Jake's bikeshed.
Appendix: If you're going to wear spandex, please remember your bike....
